Because... one night earlier this year I was alerted by facebook to add someone "I may know". I don't know her, personally, but I knew of her. She was a gorgeous girl, in a bikini and smoking hot. But I instantly detested her.. why?? Because she was one of my husband's ex-flings... that's why... and I detested her cos I instantly compared myself to her and thought if we went into a bikini contest...I would definitely lose out..hands down. She looked smoking, toned, tanned and pretty as a cheerleader.
Now don't get me wrong, I am not 100% down on myself and my esteem for self is relatively good, especially compared to when I was a teen :-). But that night..I just wasn't feeling it and I wanted to wake up my husband and get mad at him for choosing the "one who would lose in a bikini contest" and made me feel bad about myself and sorry that I wasn't as hot as one of his ex's. But I didn't and I'm glad I didn't cos I know none of it is his fault and he totally loves me for who I am.
But.. I did send him an email to get over it:-) and it went a little something like this:
"Dunno why but I'm sad coz I saw photos of ****** and her sister looking VERY VERY hot in their bikinis at some idyllic place. hmmmmmm ... I'm a bit jealous.. I shouldn't be.. but I dunno. Just feel a bit bad about myself..and my self-esteem is low.
Can u help me boost it somehow.. without us having to get another loan:-)
Thanks.
Oh and yeh I guess that's their life to be super hot... I am happy to be me on a usual day. I just wish I looked that hot 4u. :)"
Ugh...if you're rolling your eyes..don't worry.. I am too. How stupid and silly to think like that...but it's sometimes what we girls do best.
He did call me the next day to say that he read my email and that I had nothing to worry about and all that other love, mushy, goo goo stuff.. in his manly way of course.
But that same night of my passionate jealousy and feeling ridiculous.. I thought I 'd start a blog. I just came up with a title..but didn't get to create a blog entry per se. I did have plans of typing an essay along the lines of.. "beauty of a woman comes not only from physical beauty, but what she has overcome, what she lives for, her strengths..etc.. that makes a babe"..or "my 2 year old son, and all other kids his age or younger would've been called "babes" back in Jesus' day, not "babies" as is the common term now". hehe and start a blog about the ins and out of motherhood.. how breastfeeding is great but also a real sag, etc. But it was too much to think about and after sending my above email I already felt a bit better.
In this blogspace of mine though.. i may touch upon some of the topics I considered above one day, or I may not. I am not sure where it'll go, but I know that in the process I will share and find out much more things about this life..some great and wonderful, some horrible and some downright nasty.
..and i hope never to get jealous over a FB picture, post or anything ever again (even if I am about to just get my period and I feel like a raging, broody whale). It's a waste of time. Maybe my blog title will remind me of this every now and then.
Cheers,
Mush
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